I was really surprised at how much this conversation on Twitter connected with my experience. I hadn't thought about it in such detail before, but it really resonates. I said on Twitter, but will repeat here... I think I have subconsciously avoided old friends because of not wanting to deal with all this.
There's not a one-size-fits-all experience. Lots of people exit their parents' religious culture quite readily and early without a lot of drama. Many feel great about it — no difficulties at all. I often wonder if that is the much larger group of ex-religious Americans. People who were raised in a purely secular context are still pretty rare. And if you look at the longer history and wider networks in a family you find people always moving in and out of religion.
I know what you mean and don't disagree, but I was responding to Blake saying "Leaving white evangelicalism is painful." No, not for everyone, and the nature of the pain varies widely.
Not all white evangelicals would count as "high-control" (and many non-white, non-evangelicals would) — that in itself is a fascinating thing to define. What works as "control" on one person (even in the same family) may not be experienced as high control by another.
It would be great to one day have some kind of quantitiative study or broad survey. My sense is that the pain and grief suffered has multiple categories that may or may not coincide — one's own psyche and then family and social relationships. For example, a high control authoritarian parent or parents may or may not do a great deal of damage on one child or spouse, but they may impair their other relationships, and if they are all situated in a community network that supports the high-control/authoritarian/abusive influences, then you get a whole 'nother type of damage that is very likely to take a personal toll. But people are surprisingly diverse.
It would be fascinating if someone has developed a sociological analysis along these lines that could compare and contrast totally different religious cultures relative to the personal and social toll they take on their "formers."
I was really surprised at how much this conversation on Twitter connected with my experience. I hadn't thought about it in such detail before, but it really resonates. I said on Twitter, but will repeat here... I think I have subconsciously avoided old friends because of not wanting to deal with all this.
Yeah, it can be really painful. It's important to know what your boundaries are - something we weren't really taught.
There's not a one-size-fits-all experience. Lots of people exit their parents' religious culture quite readily and early without a lot of drama. Many feel great about it — no difficulties at all. I often wonder if that is the much larger group of ex-religious Americans. People who were raised in a purely secular context are still pretty rare. And if you look at the longer history and wider networks in a family you find people always moving in and out of religion.
That's certainly not the typical experience for people who leave high-control religious groups like evangelicalism.
I know what you mean and don't disagree, but I was responding to Blake saying "Leaving white evangelicalism is painful." No, not for everyone, and the nature of the pain varies widely.
Not all white evangelicals would count as "high-control" (and many non-white, non-evangelicals would) — that in itself is a fascinating thing to define. What works as "control" on one person (even in the same family) may not be experienced as high control by another.
It would be great to one day have some kind of quantitiative study or broad survey. My sense is that the pain and grief suffered has multiple categories that may or may not coincide — one's own psyche and then family and social relationships. For example, a high control authoritarian parent or parents may or may not do a great deal of damage on one child or spouse, but they may impair their other relationships, and if they are all situated in a community network that supports the high-control/authoritarian/abusive influences, then you get a whole 'nother type of damage that is very likely to take a personal toll. But people are surprisingly diverse.
It would be fascinating if someone has developed a sociological analysis along these lines that could compare and contrast totally different religious cultures relative to the personal and social toll they take on their "formers."